In the 21st century, the intermingling of men and women be it online or offline, be it in groups, or in private has become absolutely normal. Hence, allowing the human experience of feelings of attraction, arousal of desires, and falling in love before marriage an easier and more common than ever before. Acknowledging that all these are natural reactions to this societal arrangement given that humans are wired this way. And these human experiences lead to the existing popular dating culture. In this piece of writing, an attempt is made to understand and examine human behavior in the modern world with the opposite sex with special emphasis on love and the modern idea of dating, and finally, make an attempt to interpret the Islamic take on the same.
Dating, physical intimacy, abortions, childbirth before marriage, etc. are all products of two values of modern society. The carefree intermingling of sexes and the widened and continuously growing gap between puberty or sexual maturity and societal age established prerequisites of marriage in India. There’s no doubt about the necessity and importance of inter-sex interaction and working together in mixed groups on campuses and offices. However, along with the main purpose of this arrangement individuals experience various emotions which mostly culminate into likeness and dating among college students and unmarried youth to cater to their emotional and physical needs which have been deprived due to delays in marriages.
The most basic need behind the urge of dating in India is to engage in a romantic relationship with the intention of evaluating each other’s suitability as a partner for marriage before one could get married after completing their education and getting settled. This sounds like an indispensable process one should go through and to a certain extent has proven to have a successful result but in a larger sense, this process has shown undesirable consequences on both individuals and society. One of the biggest flaws that the dating culture brings forth is insecurity. The mutually consented non-socially announced and legalized bonds that allow individuals in a relationship to be vulnerable yet give them permission for easy entry and exit at the cost of their partner’s feelings. The difference in seriousness, commitment, loyalty, and contribution towards a relationship leads to the breaking and making of new bonds. Thus, the idea of finding a suitable partner through dating leads to frequent switching with emotional struggles being part and parcel. Also, finding a suitable partner through dating sounds difficult given that in most cases individuals are not honest, show only good sides, hide their flaws, and pretend to lure their partners.
It is important to note and acknowledge that the current culture of dating appears to not have the marriage suitability objective and also lacks the fundamental basis of a relationship – Love. It is primarily driven by attraction and infatuation resulting in highly volatile bonds. Youths tend to date continuously and are on the lookout for a constant change in their partner. This has led to tremendous insecurity and apprehension in making a commitment, therefore, leading to a disaster of mental health due to differences in the level of attachment. Thus, it is not wrong to say that current dating is a trap — A Dating trap. Once you get involved in it, you usually do not find a way out.
Current dating starts with an individual feeling attracted and infatuated which leads to confession. Two possible outcomes are relationship and rejection. In the case of a relationship, it lasts for several months or years and ends or breaks up due to the above-said reasons including cheating and the urge to constantly replace a partner. So, the rejected and unwillingly left ones have to go through the phase of depression and sometimes along with the feeling of revenge. Broken-up individuals in depression could experience extreme loneliness and low self-esteem and thus resort to liquor, and substance abuse for escaping pain, or sometimes go through suicidal tendencies. During a mental health awareness seminar at Ruia College 2019, a counselor reported that most of the cases he deals with youth are related to dating issues. It takes several months varying from person to ‘move on’ and ‘let go’. And then once again, after a while, he/she feels again attracted and infatuated and then goes through the same cycle where individuals again share the same long details about themselves with the new person. Or some start dating new individuals for consolation and healing. And in this continuous process which could include sharing physically intimate moments, going through a pregnancy or an abortion, the possibility of having kids out of wedlock becomes a source of one’s regret, breakdown of the family institution, social defamation and embarrassment, self-harm, suicidal attempts, and in a few cases even death. Also, it’s obvious that in this whole dating trap, there’s a lot of waste of time and energy which leads to failure in one’s career and job commitments, reduction in efficiency & productivity, and individuals compromising on their ambitions and long-term career goals.
Further, a scholar argues that dating is actually ‘practicing divorce’1. To elaborate it means that the allowance of dating and easily switching partners on the ground of ‘it’s not working’ leads an individual to inculcate the habit of quitting partners on the development of differences which actually leads to a rise in divorce. This is because individuals have been trained on a mindset of quitting and not resolving issues. Having said all that, the purpose of writing this is not to promote celibacy. Islam prohibits celibacy. The need for a partner for emotional and physical needs after attaining adulthood is a biological and a societal need and nobody denies that. But indulging in the current dating culture does not appear to be a wise choice. Instead, Islam encourages conscious marriages for satisfying needs. And once an individual is free from the constant struggle to satisfy these needs, s/he can focus on career and other aspects of life and grow exponentially.
Now coming to the question, how does one protect him/her self from this dating culture or trap, and how to pursue love? First of all, Islam is against both the said values. It discourages delays in marriage. Companion of the Prophet Muhammad PBUH, Ali RA says “do not delay in burying the dead and getting married a baligh (puberty reached) boy”. Islam also believes that when marriage becomes difficult in a society fornication becomes easy. Islam also limits intermingling. It guides this issue very rationally through the concept of Haya or Modesty. Haya should be a part and parcel of an individual’s life to guard against all vulgarity and obscenity. A three-point program to deal with dating traps: Need-based intermingling, lowering gaze online and offline, and monitoring our feeding of the brain. Briefly explain each one, as discussed, dating is a product of intermingling, so to safeguard against it one should practice strictly need-based intermingling. Educational institutions and the workplace are the two most common platforms for intermingling and thus dating. Need-based interaction (especially on social media) & working with one’s classmates and colleagues would allow getting rid of the trap. Friend circles and hanging out groups should be strictly all-male and all-female. Wherever possible one should avoid informal mixed gatherings, hanging out, and trips. Whenever possible strictly avoid meeting with the opposite sex in seclusion even if it’s for work or an assignment. The Quran says if men and women are alone the third person between them is Satan. Further, against the dating culture, there can be no opposite-sex best friend. The majority of dating begins with friendship and one or the other person starts liking their friend. Secondly, lowering the gaze saves us from a lot of incoming attraction. Islam strictly suggests lowering the gaze of men and women. Gaze is where everything begins. Controlling our gaze online – especially while using social media and offline can work as a shield. An author writes, “Lowering of gaze brings contentment in life”. Last but not the least, monitoring what one feeds their mind. Humans are highly influenced by what they watch, listen to, and read. Being addicted to romantic movies, reels, songs, novels, and poetry instigates one’s heart which starts craving a partner. Limiting such contents till marriage will help against the trap. These are pieces of advice to save oneself from dating and the first two points should be a code of conduct throughout life that will also protect one against extramarital affairs.
The fact is even after this shield, love may penetrate and it’s natural to fall in love. Islam doesn’t deny the feeling of love but it’s the way how one pursues love that makes the difference. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) says “There is nothing better for two who love each other than marriage.” (Sahih al Jamih, 5200) The most important thing in the Islamic way of pursuing love is taking time to have clarity of one’s feelings and thoughts. Figuring out one’s own feelings, allowing feelings to consolidate, checking one’s readiness in making love as a life partner, modest proposal of marriage and honest detailing about them and the married life one expects and promises, and giving him/her a certain time to think and decide on the proposal. If s/he accepts, send your parents and finalize the marriage. If s/he doesn’t fit in the idea of your marriage let them go for the sake of Allah. Don’t indulge in a relationship, which will hurt them and lead them towards becoming a sinner.
Then again, the question arises: how can we get married during student life? Mohiuddin Ghazi, a scholar of repute says if you love them and they love you back, talk to your parents. It’s Islamic to get married with the agreement of parents but ‘rukhsati‘ after the groom starts earning. From marriage till rukhsati, the expenses of the bride and groom will be borne by their respective parents. This phenomenon is called student marriage2. The popular way of dating with the intention of getting married is still haram and part of the dating trap. To conclude, modern values of intermingling and delay in marriage lead to a dating trap that can only be dealt with modesty, early marriage, and if possible, student marriage.
References:
- https://phyliciamasonheimer.com/is-dating-just-practice-for-divorce/
- Zindagi Nau Article
