Rising cases of teen suicide, depression and pregnancy have created some discomfort in the traditional Indian society. The booming demand for counselors and psychologists are indications that not all is well on the mental health front. Centers for unwed mothers are growing steadily, while abortions by unwed teen mothers are on the rise too.
Relationship issues among people in their late years of teenage and early twenties have grown manifold. Today, hardly any teenage boy or girl is without a relationship issue. The parents today are fearful but there is not much they can do as the scales are tipped against them. The exposure to and the influence of TV shows is clearly visible on the moods of the younger generation. Romance in schools and colleges is on the rise.
This is not about being judgmental or stating it as a moral issue of right or wrong, but studying its impact on an individual in a relationship, the reasons for increase in such relationships and the pressure on collective lives of the families involved.
Teenage is generally a period of “work in progress” of the development of the brain as well as the body. Care and compassion along with guidance and counseling towards facing the real world is of utmost importance. Many children who get into a relationship do so as an outcome of some ground realities in their family and social environment. In most cases the parents of such teens contradict each other and engage in arguments and fights. A child who grows in this atmosphere feels insecure and senses the lack of family bonding. The atmosphere in the house is always tense and the intra-family relationship between members very weak. Lack of communication and lack of mutual trust creates in the teenager the urge to find peace, calmness and security elsewhere. During the teenage they see their bodies changing and become conscious of their sexuality. The close proximity to the opposite sexes during school hours and college time leads to newer friendships. Friendship is companionship and the tense atmosphere at home and the lack of love and care at home drives him or her to closer relationships with the opposite sex.
Teenage is generally a period of “work in progress” of the development of the brain as well as the body. Care and compassion along with guidance and counseling towards facing the real world is of utmost importance.
As teens are with “work in progress”, brains they are generally impulsive and put little reason and thought behind the developing relationship. Such relationships can be very dis-tractive and are complex emotional permutations, where teens can be possessive and demanding of each other. The pressure of the relationships keep growing. Breakups, reunions and new relationships after every break-up can be very taxing. Such relationships can be physically and sexually abusive too. The increase of teen pregnancy among school children are clear indications that many things have been happening beyond education in our institutions. Pregnancy, elopement, educational downfall, mental pressure, depression and suicide- all come with the bitter package of such relationships.
The negative reaction of parents to such relationships, when they do come to know of it, adds fuel to the fire. In the beginning, generally in our society, the mother hides this fact from the father hoping that she would herself counsel the child. But as time goes by and none of her efforts show, she breaks the news to the father. An unequivocal and non-negotiable “No”, a rejection of the relationship without assigning any reasons, discussion and counselling makes the teen more distrustful. The rejection is accompanied by anger, abuse and in some cases beating by the parents. All perks such as phones, scooters and outings are banned. The parents who failed to instill values and principles, to educate and counsel their children as they were growing and who failed to live an exemplary life, now want to correct their teen with anger and abuse! Even the attempt at counsel is laced with outright rejection of the friendship. Yes, the parents are in a good position to judge the futility of the choice of partner but that futility has to be detailed to the teenager. Parents need to communicate the reasons for their rejection, which should be genuine. And all this has to be done maturely and not in a reactionary manner. In many cases, then you find teens eloping and this leaves a deep impact on the future life of these youngsters.
What then should the parents do? How do they deal with such issues?
We all know that prevention is better than cure. Few precautions in early growth period can help us a lot. Both parents should be involved in the grooming and parenting of the child. Sadly, most fathers are too busy earning to even notice their son or daughter grow. The gap between parents and children in some cases is such that the father is unaware of the children’s choice in matters of lifestyle. If both the parents are working then entrusting the child to an “aaya” has a negative impact on the child’s growth. Hence, family dinners and discussions on family issues, career, values and principles of life are a must. Regular family outings are necessary to keep the spirit of togetherness and ease the pressures of life. Regular inputs to help children choose friends will help them mature. The atmosphere at home has a great impact on the child. Hence, before the arrival of the child, the parents will have to reform themselves and prepare and equip themselves with effective parenting skills.
The choice of school and the place of residence also has an impact. Educational environment and social environment can shape the future of the child for good or bad. Avoid admission in nursery as early childhood is the best period to instill values and a mother is in a better position to do that than the nursery teacher. When the child grows and nears puberty, it is advisable to educate them about sexuality and prevent the challenges associated with the co-education system that gives ample time for relationships to bloom. Parents need to discuss with their teenage children the various aspects of relationships and prepare the teenager mentally to stay away from all those areas that take one closer to such relationships. The present educational system and its structure of extra-curricular activities does give plenty of opportunities for young boys and girls, who have yet to know more about themselves to start relationships.
In spite of all this, if the teenager still falters and does get into a relationship, it would be prudent not to react negatively but to keep all communication channels open. Here, it is the duty of the parents to instill confidence in the child to speak to them of any issues of life. In most cases, parents have shut the lines of communication of ideas and feelings. Every growing child will have feelings that he or she would like to share. If they are not allowed to share with you, they will share with friends of their own age who might not be in the right position to give sound advice. Instead of saying a big “No” to the prospect, it would be nice if the teenager is asked to share his knowledge of the relationship and the partner. In most cases, teenage relationships is neither a product of the mind nor the heart but purely impulsive decisions. If parents cannot be calm enough to have a free chat, then please invite somebody who has or can win the trust of the teenager and help them to share their thoughts.The person talking to the teenager should focus on gathering as much information about the relationship as possible rather than taking positions on the status of the relationship and efforts to break the relationship.
Once the teenager starts to open up with details of the relationship, you will be in a position to understand its nature. At no time in the discussion should it be stated that the relationship is being rejected. But as in every other matter in life, it will be evaluated for its suitability. The whole process of the discussion should help the teenager understand the decision making process such as the premises on which such decisions are taken, the need for a relationship, the timing of the relationship, the desirable qualities of the partner, why does one like the partner, etc. Dig a little into the relationship and physical and sexual abuse matters will crop up. The idea is to help a person to share his or her feelings about the relationships. By the end of the discussion you will have enough information to critically present before the teenager the inconsistencies in his or her decision making process. Many a times it does help the teenager see the light. Such sessions have to continue. In the meantime, the parents should overlook few actions and efforts by the teenager to maintain the relationship. If the sessions are continued, God willing, the teenager will work his way out of the relationship and regain his or her focus on education.
Very well article for parents. Asif bro well done! Role of internet not discussed this time.